Is it just me, or is this article, “In This Town, Turkey Picks Up Bill for Dinner,” a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE fuck you to everyone who is about to eat turkey this Thanksgiving weekend in the US? It is a super critical article about almost everything to do with the turkey industry, from being unable to make a living as a turkey farmer to how terrible it to work in a turkey-processing plant. I am VERY surprised that the New York Times ran this article on Thanksgiving Day. It’s basically akin to treason in the US to be critical of where your meat is coming from, but to be critical of TURKEY on THANKSGIVING DAY must be like terrorism or something. Watch out Kim Severson! You will probably be waterboarded soon. I would’ve called this article “Why You Shouldn’t Eat Turkey, Dummy” but I guess that’s why I don’t work at the NYT.
1) What it says:
What it means: Turkeys are fucking disgusting and can somehow arrive at the plant bruised or missing limbs. No explanation necessary as to how, since any conversation that starts with “do you know where your meat comes from?” is met with cries of “I don’t want to know!” i.e., everyone knows that the meat industry is terrible but very few people give a fuck because they want to eat their bruised, legless turkey.
2) What it says:
What it means: The amount and type of preparation that goes into getting each turkey ready, i.e., STUFFING BODY PARTS INTO A CAVITY, is horrific and most people who eat turkey would never consider doing it themselves because it is gross. It is also hard for the workers, who hate the pace that they must maintain in order to give these dummies their dispatched turkeys.
3) What it says:
What it means: Also, the some of the workers enjoy torturing animals. NYT hopes you enjoy eating animals that have been tortured, great job! Oh, and the workers aren’t paid fairly, big surprise.
4) What it says:
What it means: We’re a terrible company we all know it and to doubly prove it we’re going to prey on people’s sympathy by saying that torturing animals and not paying workers fairly for terrible work is worth it for all those starving families who EAT TURKEY EVERY DAY????? WHAT!? Go back to PR school, Alice Johnson! Your terrible explanation doesn’t make sense. Oh, and also, even if someone wants to get into turkey farming, they shouldn’t bother because you can’t make a living doing it.
5) What it says:
What it means: WHOOPS Butterball is a terrible employer so please stop supporting them and buying their turkeys! They make it impossible for turkey farmers to make a profit and they like it that way.
6) What it says:
What it means: (THIS IS THE CONCLUDING LINE OF THE ARTICLE!! THAT IS AMAZING!!) Even the people who work at the factory hate turkey.
Good article, NYT! This time I genuinely mean that! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy your tortured turkey that was prepared with absolute hate.