I do not understand why people are falling all over themselves to tell us how great (or “surprisingly great” or “surprisingly entertaining”) X-Men: First Class is. Here is a spoiler: it is not good. It is just not a good movie. Is it better than Wolverine: Origins? Yes. Is it better then X-Men: The Last Stand? Yes. Does it have a colon in its title like all of those movies? Yes. But is it good? No. God, no.

Here’s why:

  • The trailers that preceded the movie included The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo AND Mr. Popper’s Penguins. [Okay, that’s not so much the movie’s fault.]
  • Any special effects that had to do with someone or something flying were terrible.
  • Not every scene needed a 40-piece string orchestra soundtrack.
  • Mystique ages half as slowly as everyone else? So she’s actually 40? I guess?
  • Magneto’s accent changes from god-knows-what to American to Irish throughout.
  • That close-up shot of Darwin when Kevin Bacon says the word “enslaved.”
  • Angel’s clothes from the 90s.
  • Who feels bad for Kevin Bacon when he dies besides Xavier? Was the audience supposed to feel sympathetic towards him?
  • The delay between X getting shot and the CIA agent saying they needed to get him to a hospital. (A Cuban hospital, I guess?)
  • WHERE DID CHILD MYSTIQUE EVEN COME FROM?? She just SHOWS UP in Xavier’s CASTLE which is in the middle of nowhere!

And these reasons don’t even touch on other things that I’ve read elsewhere, such as: why did Xavier hold Kevin Bacon in place while he was being killed if he was so against it; Xavier’s point about humans working well with mutants is totally moot before he even says it; that scene where they come up with their mutant names; the only black characters either die or are evil; Xavier’s team at the end is all white dudes; the women are all disparaged in some way, but no parallel is drawn between being a woman and being a mutant; why didn’t Emma Frost mind-meld her way out of CIA basement jail; etc. etc. etc.



1 Comment

Filed under boring technology, crazy junky mess, general ranting, metaphorical US suburbia

One response to “Vex-Men

  1. Boring technology tag! Ahahahaha.

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