Newflash: Marriage is suuuuuuper traditional; deal with it.

Marriage has been around for a long time. It actually predates reliable recorded history thank you Wikipedia. That is how old it is. It is a tradition. It is a tradition rooted in patriarchy and religion (specifically, in the patriarchal nature of organized religion). Everyone knows this. So can married/soon-to-be married people writing on the internet please spare me these bullshit modifiers about how THEIR wedding isn’t “traditional” because they eloped/got married in a barn/got drunk/had a total DIY wedding? Seriously, just stop. You are participating in a historically patriarchal, religious institution that is on its last legs. You can dress that up however you want, but at the end of the day, getting married is a very traditional act. DEAL WITH IT.

The catalyst for this post was this line (why do I read xoJane? Ughhhh): “Ed and I are not really traditional people.” This type of language comes up in basically every conversation that any soon-to-be-married person has, ever. It’s super ridiculous. Like, oh, I’m sure YOUR wedding will be completely different from the billions of other weddings that have taken place since like 10 CE because of your paper flowers or cowboy boots or whatever. Nooooooope.

I hate to rain on your wedding, but if you are getting married, you are, at least in this one major way, a very traditional person . Getting married is like, LITERALLY, the poster-child of tradition. It would be hard for you to be doing something MORE traditional. If you are uncomfortable supporting marriage, or being viewed as a supporter of this institution, and feel as though you have to couch your decision in phrases like “But the bridesmaids can wear whatever they want!” or “But we’re dancing to Arcade Fire down the aisle!” maybe you should think about why you feel as though you have to justify your decision.

Because seriously, you have a choice: Honey, don’t get married.

At what point are we going to talk about Kim Jong-un’s haircut

I mean, seriously. Come on. Right???

Top 7 books I read in 2011

I read 57 books in 2011. Initially that sort of sounds impressive, but really, it’s barely more than a book a week. BOOOO! That is not that great. Regardless, here are my top 7 favourite books that I read in 2011, in no particular order:

1. Swim Back to Me — Ann Packer

The last book I read in 2011, this is a collection of short stories that inspired me to resolve to start writing something substantial in 2012. One of the stories falls a bit flat, but the rest more than make up for it. I look forward to reading more of Packer’s (older) work in 2012.

2. Hark! A Vagrant — Kate Beaton

She’s smart, she’s Canadian, and I have a total crush on her. 2011 was a great year for Kate Beaton, and for me fans to stalk see her at comic shows and author festivals. I love her clean drawings and the way she perfectly captures facial expressions. And let’s face it, anyone who can make Wonder Woman interesting is clearly an amazing talent, ha ha.

3. Eating Animals — Jonathan Safran Foer

I was already vegan when I read this book, but if I hadn’t been, Eating Animals would’ve tipped the balance for me. At times a very painful and sad read, this book should be required reading for those who choose to remain ignorant about where their edible animal products are coming from.

4. Ten Thousand Saints — Eleanor Henderson

If you’re at all interested in reading about New York City in the late 80s, this is a great starting point. The story lags a bit at times, but the way that Henderson uses major cultural and social touchstones of that place and time — the AIDS crisis, the straight-edge movement, CBGBs — as a backdrop to her story is deft.

5. The Historian — Elizabeth Kostova

HAHAHAHA oh boy this book was ridiculous! But in the best way possible! Very entertaining, and I inadvertently learned a lot about Vlad the Impaler, so.

6. The Paris Wife — Paula McLain

Paris in the 1920s with Hemmingway. What else do you need to know? Read this, and then watch another medium’s interpretation of that place and time in Midnight in Paris. A great, nerdy combo.

7. Sarah’s Key — Tatiana de Rosnay

A heart-breaking work of historical fiction centred around the Vélodrome d’Hiver roundups. I hadn’t really read anything about the Nazi presence in Paris during World War II, so this book was very illuminating for me. A definite page turner until the book’s central mystery is solved — it should’ve been wrapped up a bit sooner after that.

Honourable Mentions:

The Leftovers — Tom Perrotta: Not as strong as some of his previous work, but certainly well-written and interesting.

Zone One — Coulson Whitehead: I found the main character (and narrator) a bit dull, but the ending is realistic and spectacular.

Cutting for Stone — Abraham Verghese: To be blunt, this book is way too long. Almost 700 pages! I mean, come on. However, the final 300 pages were worth the initial read.

The Uncoupling — Meg Wolitzer: Like Tom Perrotta, Wolitzer is one of my favourite authors, and I found that The Uncoupling just didn’t measure up to previous work.

Anything by Jennifer Haigh: Besides Ann Packer, one of my favourite new-to-me author discoveries!

For a complete list of the books I read in 2011, see Books I’ve Read 2011!

Missing the Point Award

Sometimes you will be reading an article that seems pretty innocuous and that you’re vaguely interested in and then just as you get to the last paragraph of the article you will suddenly say out loud, “wait, what did that say?”

This article is a good example of that:

WITHOUT FINESSE, MAKING FUN OF A WOMAN’S SELF-HATRED CAN LOOK LIKE [sic] A LOT LIKE MISOGYNY???

There are so many things wrong with that paragraph, and I’m not even including the extra “like” that’s in there!! (Good proofreading, btw.) So much mess in two short sentences!

FIRST: Teenagers “all but ask” to be hated!? Yikes! I feel badly for your kids! Very few people want to be hated, and I’m guessing that insecure teenagers actually DO NOT want to be hated! Especially by their own parents!

THEN: This writer honestly thinks that a show can BACKFIRE by hating the MOTHERS of the show? Have you SEEN TV before? Because there seem to be a LOT of shows where the Dad is the cool, fun one, and the Mom is the buzz-kill shrew! And I’m pretty sure those shows are popular!

AND THEN: There’s this whole “women’s self-hatred” thing that’s casually tossed in there! Like, is this just a thing that we acknowledge and accept as a society? That women hate themselves, and everyone knows it, but oh well? I actually can’t think of any TV moms that seem to hate themselves (even the buzz-kill shrews)! AND I WATCH THE WALKING DEAD! Also there is this implication that a woman hating herself would generally have nothing to do with misogyny at all! That is false! Guess what? When you live in a society that constantly reinforces the message that women are, to put it broadly, not as good as men, that is a misogynist message and it is very likely at the root of most women’s self-hatred!

In conclusion, this paragraph wins this award! It can be shared with Mary Beth Williams! CONGRATS!!! (Not really. BOOOOO.)

 

The secret ingredient is terrible industry practices

Is it just me, or is this article, “In This Town, Turkey Picks Up Bill for Dinner,” a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE fuck you to everyone who is about to eat turkey this Thanksgiving weekend in the US? It is a super critical article about almost everything to do with the turkey industry, from being unable to make a living as a turkey farmer to how terrible it to work in a turkey-processing plant. I am VERY surprised that the New York Times ran this article on Thanksgiving Day. It’s basically akin to treason in the US to be critical of where your meat is coming from, but to be critical of TURKEY on THANKSGIVING DAY must be like terrorism or something. Watch out Kim Severson! You will probably be waterboarded soon. I would’ve called this article “Why You Shouldn’t Eat Turkey, Dummy” but I guess that’s why I don’t work at the NYT.

ENHANCE!

1) What it says:

What it means: Turkeys are fucking disgusting and can somehow arrive at the plant bruised or missing limbs. No explanation necessary as to how, since any conversation that starts with “do you know where your meat comes from?” is met with cries of “I don’t want to know!” i.e., everyone knows that the meat industry is terrible but very few people give a fuck because they want to eat their bruised, legless turkey.

2) What it says:

What it means: The amount and type of preparation that goes into getting each turkey ready, i.e., STUFFING BODY PARTS INTO A CAVITY, is horrific and most people who eat turkey would never consider doing it themselves because it is gross. It is also hard for the workers, who hate the pace that they must maintain in order to give these dummies their dispatched turkeys.

3) What it says:

What it means: Also, the some of the workers enjoy torturing animals. NYT hopes you enjoy eating animals that have been tortured, great job! Oh, and the workers aren’t paid fairly, big surprise.

4) What it says:

What it means: We’re a terrible company we all know it and to doubly prove it we’re going to prey on people’s sympathy by saying that torturing animals and not paying workers fairly for terrible work is worth it for all those starving families who EAT TURKEY EVERY DAY????? WHAT!? Go back to PR school, Alice Johnson! Your terrible explanation doesn’t make sense. Oh, and also, even if someone wants to get into turkey farming, they shouldn’t bother because you can’t make a living doing it.

5) What it says:

What it means: WHOOPS Butterball is a terrible employer so please stop supporting them and buying their turkeys! They make it impossible for turkey farmers to make a profit and they like it that way.

6) What it says:

What it means: (THIS IS THE CONCLUDING LINE OF THE ARTICLE!! THAT IS AMAZING!!) Even the people who work at the factory hate turkey.

Good article, NYT! This time I genuinely mean that! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy your tortured turkey that was prepared with absolute hate.

 

Deconstructing an exchange with an adult who writes for Salon, a “progressive” online magazine

This is a twitter conversation that I unfortunately had earlier today:

WHAT IS THIS??

Okay, I know I could just ignore this, but it’s really bothering me and I think it’s a good example of the I Should Be Able To Say What I Want Without Being Challenged And Fuck You For Challenging Me sentiment that usually emanates from your average racist/sexist/homophobic bully.

Seriously, WHAT DOES HER RESPONSE MEAN? Is it supposed to be another “joke”? And why is her response about me, personally, rather than about my issue with her statement? Here is a lesson in arguing: when someone starts focusing on you instead of the argument, you have generally won. In this case, MBW is saying, “I’m defensive and I don’t know how to respond to this, so instead I will do something like accuse you of not knowing any sex workers [great accusation, very relevant and accurate] or any comedians [ditto] thereby implying that you don’t know what you’re talking about with regards to sex workers AND implying that you’re totally humourless because you didn’t laugh at my joke/took it too seriously/was too sensitive!” Yiiiiikes. That is a bad response. And it manages to hit almost every bad argument that you’ve ever heard, all the way down.

Here is where I get, admittedly, super nitpicky with parsing out her very short response (I also provide related arguments we have all heard before and dismissed because they are terrible and meaningless, unfortunately for MBW, oh well though):

1. According to her, I don’t know any sex workers or comedians so I am not allowed to point out that it’s ridiculous to assume that all sex workers had terrible, loveless childhoods. (See also, Common Silencing Techniques — Accusing a Person of Not Knowing Enough and Therefore Being Too [pick your contextually demeaning adjective] to Properly Contribute).

2. She DOES know A LOT of the sex workers, so she IS allowed to state stereotypical, sweeping “facts” about their collective childhood! I’m sure all of her sex worker friends really love it when she does that. (See also, I’m Not Racist, My Best Friend is Black So I Can Say These Things).

3. Because I think her joke is terrible, I don’t know any comedians (this is a weird argument) (See also, You are a Humourless Feminist).

4. She is just making a joke! Why am I taking this so seriously! (See also, Why are Women so Sensitive; You are a Humourless Feminist; This Joke Exists in a Vacuum with No Cultural Baggage Whatsoever Because Sex Workers Aren’t One of the Most Acceptably Marginalized Groups That Exist).

It is baffling to me as to why a quasi-public figure would (a) post something like this and think it’s funny, especially as an employee of a somewhat progressive online magazine, and (b) be so very bad at being asked to think about what she has just written. I mean, she writes for Salon, for fuck’s sake! I didn’t even expect a response! I’m sure she’s dealing with worse responses! Lest we forget, up until recently, Salon had one of THE WOOOOORST commentariat of any major online magazine. She MUST be used to much worse criticism (I don’t even think this is really criticism?) than mine. What a weird, confusing exchange.

Relatedly, I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE when people assume things about me that are just off-the-wall wrong. Allow me to just sit here and bask in my smugness for a minute more. Feels gooood.

You have a reason to riot, but this is not it

From “Paterno Is Finished At Penn State, and President Is Out”:

WHAT!!! Is this FOR REAL??! IS THIS REAL LIFE!? Of all of the facts in this case, THIS is why you choose to riot? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Seriously. Look at your life, look at your choices.

WHAT??? You’re CRYING about this?! What the fuck is going on at Penn State? Get it the fuck together, Kathryn! Save those tears and feelings of devastation for when you hear the details of child rape that at least partly occurred because your BFF coach did absolutely NOTHING to stop a KNOWN PEDOPHILE from continually raping little kids!! Save up ALL those tears, because it sounds like you will DEFINITELY need them!

This whole thing is such a disgusting clusterfuck, it’s unbelievable. Seriously, is Penn State in the US or ON ANOTHER PLANET??